Issue 2 – May 1995

SMART – Stop Mind control And Ritual abuse Today

Issue #2 – May, 1995


SMART, P O Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027

The purpose of this newsletter is to help stop secretive organizations and groups from abusing others and to help those who allege they have been abused by such organizations and groups.

This newsletter is not a substitute for other ways of recovering from ritual abuse. Readers should use caution while reading this newsletter. If necessary, make sure other support systems are available during and after reading this newsletter.


The resources mentioned in this newsletter are for educational value only. Reading the books cited may or may not help your recovery process, so use caution when reading any book or contacting any resource mentioned in this newsletter. Some may have a religious or other agenda that may be separate from your own recovery process. Others may have valuable information on the Masons and other organizations, but have triggers or be somewhat sympathetic to those organizations. Unless explicitly stated otherwise, the views expressed in this newsletter constitute expressions of opinion, and readers are cautioned to form their own opinions and draw their own conclusions by consulting a variety of sources, including this newsletter. Resources listed, quoted and individual articles, etc. and their writers do not necessarily support all or any of the views mentioned in this newsletter. Also, the views, facts and opinions mentioned in this newsletter are solely the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily the opinions of this newsletter or its editor.

Copyright 1995, 2000 – All rights reserved.

No reproduction of any material without written permission from the editor and individual authors.

This is an edited version of S.M.A.R.T. Issue #2 – originally published in May, 1995

Please note: this issue has been edited for legal reasons and for reasons of accuracy.

“The Greatest Revenge is to Heal, then Turn Around and Help Someone Else.” – from The Grapevine

Survivor Article

The following article is from K S This was a letter that K originally sent to a Bishop. K. is looking for other alleged Masonic Satanic Ritual Abuse survivors that were involved in the cult in NL Warning: There may be potential triggers in this story, descriptions of rituals are graphic. Please use caution while reading it. Please note: all accusations are alleged.

I was initiated into the alleged Masonic cult in NL in 19__. I was 12 years old and in the 7th grade. My dad got me up in the middle of the night in the old parsonage and we walked over to the building which was the L. Church before the new church was built. The congregation had sold it to some kind of “fraternity”. It was raining and he carried his black umbrella over himself. I had on my light blue windbreaker and ponytails. He knocked and they let us in. I was the only girl there among a group of about ten men and their teenage boys, most of whom I knew from church.

They blindfolded me and led me around the dark empty room which had been the sanctuary to various stations as they re-enacted a legend about a man who is killed by the builders of Solomon’s temple because they want a secret word from him. I was made to take an oath on the Bible never to reveal their secrets. They laid me on a table and made the motion of chopping my body in half if I ever told. There was a closing prayer in a circle and then some food was served at long tables in the basement. I had to clean up the kitchen. I was bored and confused. I thought it was just another church meeting. I always remembered it , but thought it was a dream. They had said it would seem like a dream which I must never tell to anyone.

Various groups, always relatives of alleged Masons, the wives, the sons, the daughters, held ceremonies. These were the “legitimate” secret meetings allegedly held in the actual Masonic temple in NL. I remember the square room with a stage in front, several throne-like seats, and a lectern. There is an altar in the middle of the room. I often had to play piano to accompany the singing of patriotic and gospel hymns. The Old Testament and certain Psalms were read, but never the Gospels or any mention of Christ. The Lord’s Prayer as a solo was often on the program. However, other meetings took place which not all of the average masons were invited to or aware of.

After the ceremonies where the teenage daughters were installed for various duties the men would drive us to a big white house by the railroad tracks where there was eating and drinking, and sex for any man that wanted it. They paid money or dues. We wore long prom dresses to the ceremonies, but brought along bags of miniskirts, high heels, etc. to change into later. More than once I walked home in freezing weather with little clothing on. The house was enormous with many small rooms on the upper floors. It had been a rooming house for rail workers and later rumored to be a house of prostitution.

Occasionally conventions were held in the huge domed Masonic shrine in downtown M. Lots of people from all over the region gathered for solemn processions, awards for “accomplishments,” and productions of music and dance provided by each youth group and women’s group. Buses were arranged to be taken from a Field in D. to transport the people from the NL area. Lots of the members were and still are employed there. By this time we lived in the new parsonage across from church. We would have to be ready in the middle of the night and get all the families and baggage in quickly. One time I remember the back of the bus was still loaded with guns in canvas bags, D.D. had a small airplane which was also used for transportation to rituals.

My dad was pastor of L. Church in NL and so naturally was chaplain at the local meetings where he read the Bible, led the prayers to someone called “our Lord and Master,” and gave the teachings. In my mind the church and cult was all one thing. I played the piano and organ at church and Sunday School as well as at cult rituals. I invited kids to church, I invited kids into the cult. The great majority of the families in the alleged Masonic cult were also members of the church. One exception was D. D., the pharmacist, and owner of the drugstore, and my dad’s best friend. In early 19__ D. was diagnosed with stomach cancer and had not long to live. Among the leaders, who were my dad, Doc , and D.D., it was decided to make a sacrifice to bring about healing for D.D. Five girls were taken out to D.D.’s farm. My sister and I were among the unlucky chosen. We each showered, his wife handed us towels. I knew it was about making a baby and I said, “But why my sister too? I know you’re not going to let her keep a baby. ” She was only 12 years old. He allegedly raped each one in turn with the probability that at least one of us would conceive. I was the one, age 15, and in the 10th grade.

D.D. died just a few months after the alleged rapes. My dad took me to the small hospital to pay respects. He gave me the Bible and told me to read psalm 121, a favorite of masons. I remember D.D.’s smirking face as I read. He was a strong atheist, and probably not surprised that their plan was not going to save him.

I tried never to think about any of this consciously again. But I was gaining weight and at cheerleading practice D. said to me, “God, you look pregnant!” I hissed at her, “Shut up and mind your own business.” That summer I worked at N. , filling out I thought from all the hard work. I had fainting spells and my mom took me to Doc. I remember he just laughed. In August our church youth went to N. O. to the National __ Gathering. In the fall I was a football cheerleader, and had turned 16 in August.

At the appointed time, in late October, 19__, the whole cult, men, women and children gathered for an all night orgy of bizarre proportions. In a laboratory room with black cabinets up to the ceiling Doc induced labor in me. We were somewhere near N. I was in and out of consciousness. A woman was massaging my hands and telling me I was doing good. Finally C. was born, not a big baby, but not tiny. He had dark hair. I held him and was amazed. Somebody took him and told me that now it was time to baptize him. In a larger room nearby people were waiting, males in black ropes, females in white. The ritual was like Holy Communion, with classical music, readings, “sermon,” and then the “communion.” At the altar I stood between two men, with their hands over mine they directed the knife in my hand into C.’s little body on the altar. He screamed and died quickly. They poured his blood into a chalice which was passed around the room and people drank. They cut tiny pieces of flesh and everyone ate. They threw his corpse on the floor where two black dogs ate him up. One dog was our family pet, j. Why my baby had to be sacrificed when D.D. was already dead, I don’t know. They talked about gaining power and life through blood. Bread and wine was pathetically symbolic, but they said real sacrifice is more ancient, more powerful, and more pleasing to their god, whoever it was.

After D.D. died the cult seemed to run out of steam or maybe my dad was not as interested anymore. I never saw him as devastated as he was by D.D.’s death. I only had to endure one more year. After graduation from college I was preparing to go to college. Before my 18th birthday in August, 19__, a group of couples took me out to eat at a restaurant. They officially released me from the cult. I would not be required to participate anymore. They reminded me never to tell anyone, and that if I ever did I must kill myself. Perversely, they were proud of me, for bearing a child by the high priest, for my leadership, for my efforts at recruiting other girls, for my academic accomplishments and sweet popularity at school. They had full confidence that I would never betray them. When I was 27, and a senior in seminary, my dad took me to his cabin on __ lake and raped me to check if I still dissociated during abuse. I did, and so he figured he was safe, and that I would never remember or talk. The next week he took my sister. And did the same thing.

In college I began to feel suicidal. I felt I was dying in huge waves of shame and guilt. I hated my parents. I hated N. L. I hated the church. I hated men, I hated myself and didn’t know why. From age 18 to age 32 I spent the years in a haze with only one thought, “I’ll wait, I can always kill myself tomorrow.” I made my way through four years of college, a baby, a divorce, four years of seminary, another marriage, another baby. Finally in July of 19__ my mom’s half-brother said to my sister and me, “Your mother was sexually abused by my father.” Her stepfather had almost murdered her the day she ran away from home at age 14. And that was how the foggy haze rolled back and I began to see and feel in horrendous, sickening detail all the memories I had put away.

Note: I allege I clearly remember almost choking to death on his penis and semen when I was very little. He held me upside down with one hand and pounded my back with the other until I started breathing. He terrorized me, beat me with belts and boards, allegedly raped and controlled me all my life. If incest is not considered unbecoming to a pastor, then I would hope that murder and prostitution would be taken seriously. About five years ago a young woman in treatment a hospital in L.C. reported this same cult to a Dr. (who now practices in A. L.) The one woman remembered that one leader was the L. pastor in N.L. in the 19__’s.

We want to thank K. S. for her courage and strength in sending this story to us. We hope that more people will send stories to us so that people will know these allegations about the Masons and help us stop them from perpetrating these alleged horrible crimes of abuse.

Research Article

Information for the following article is taken from the article “THE MASONS – HOW DARE THEY?” – from the publication Saints Alive in Jesus Newsletter, dated January/February 1995. Note: Words in italics in the original article are put in quotes in this article. All accusations are alleged.

“The Masons say they believe in “the fatherhood of God and brotherhood of man,” that they make “good men better,” that they are non-religious in structure but “surely compatible with Christianity”. How dare they claim that? However comforting these words are, what Masonic insiders teach and believe is far from such claims. In fact, their documents (allegedly) tell of an “Antichrist” organization.

Albert Pike, the great Masonic teacher, is so revered that he is entombed in the House of the Temple, in Washington, D.C. His book, “Morals and Dogma,” is the key to the Masonic dogma. Take a look at the following quotes from “Morals and Dogma,” 1966 edition and you decide.”

“All truly dogmatic religions have issued from the Kabalah and return to it. Everything scientific and grand in the religious dreams of the Illuminati, Jacob Boehme, Swedenborg, Saint-Martin, and others, is borrowed from the Kabalah; all the Masonic associations owe it to their secrets and their symbols.

“The Kabalah alone consecrates the Alliance of the Universal Reason and the Divine World….

The Bible, with all the allegories it contains, expresses in an incomplete and veiled manner only, the religious science of the Hebrews. The doctrine of Moses and the Prophets, identical at bottom with that of the ancient Egyptians, also had its outward meaning and its veils. (page 744)”

“The “Kabalah” is actually a system of ancient Jewish mysticism and magic, used by witches and Satanists like Aleister Crowley for centuries.

In discussing the fraternal supper, Pike states, “And thus in the bread we eat , and in the wine we drink tonight may enter into and form part of us the identical particles of matter that once formed parts of the material bodies called Moses, Confucius, Plato, Socrates or Jesus of Nazareth. In the truest sense, we eat and drink the bodies of the dead; and cannot say that there is a single atom of our blood and body, the ownership of which some other soul might not dispute with us. (page 539)”

I want to thank Ed Decker and Steve Hall for permission to use excerpts from their newsletter. For more information about Saints Alive in Jesus you can write them at: P.O. Box 1076, Issaquah, WA. 98027 or call them at 1-800-997-7077 to order their newsletter or books. Please note: as always, please use caution when contacting any resource mentioned in this newsletter.

Survivor Article

The following article was sent in by a survivor of ritual abuse. It is an open letter to other readers, M. would like to network and answers to any of her questions can be sent directly to the newsletter and will either be forwarded to her or published if you send written permission and space permits it.

Please note : It may no longer be possible to contact the author.

Warning: There may be potential triggers in this story, please use caution while reading it. This letter has graphic descriptions of rituals. All accusations are alleged.

where D.

when : between 19__ and 19__

M., a toddler, was taken to a big building at night. It was some kind of religious or quasi-religious structure, because one whole wall of the main room was dominated by a large statue of a seated figure. It’s hands were down low, cupped to form a sort of altar.

M. knew what was coming. I do not know if she had been there before or if she was told. She was taken to a balcony that overlooked the statue, where she was “prepared” by a woman for the next day’s ceremony. She was put to bed on that balcony.

During the night, a man came to M. and told her he would make it easier for her to get through the next day. He made it “easier” by raping her.

M. knew that she would either be raped by a man in front of that statue, as part of a ceremony, or else raped by some kind of animal – a big dog? a goat? a sheep? She also knew just how the animal would be persuaded to perform.

No one we know remembers the rest of the story. Yet.

We are a multiple named Ma.; M. is our youngest persona. That story has been a recurring nightmare in our lives for many years. Not one single detail has ever changed. We are now in therapy for all sorts of childhood abuse, and we no longer think of it as a ” nightmare”. We think it is a clear memory from our earliest childhood.

My mother’s father was the main criminal in our early sexual abuse history. He (allegedly) was a Freemason, and I (believe)… that organization (was) … the source of the above memory. The building was clearly not a church, since the visual memory is unclear and very un-churchlike. Based on all the family history I have — there’s a lot since no one ever threw anything away the Masons are the only ritualistic group anybody was connected with, but I have no way to be sure.

This is a general appeal to other subscribers. Does the above scenario sound familiar to anyone ? Is there anybody out there who was (allegedly) abused by the Masons at that time or in that city? Can anybody tell me what the inside of a Masonic Lodge looks like?

Please reply through S.M.A.R.T., and thanks for any relevant information. (Year 2000 note: It may no longer be possible to get in touch with the author.)

We want to thank M. for her letter and hope that replies will be forthcoming.

Research Article

The following selection is a collection of quotes and information from the book, “The Masonic Connection : Hidden Secrets of the Eastern Star.” This book is written by Dr. Cathy Burns, copywritten in 1994, published by Sharing. warning : some descriptions may be triggering, please read with caution.

“The Eastern Star claims Dr. Rob Morris as it’s founder… On March 5, 1846 Rob Morris was made a Mason and he eventually “received the ‘ladies Degrees,’ which later became the basis of his work in formulating the Eastern Star degrees.” Morris was involved in many Masonic undertakings. (page 1)”

“Morris, “a Mason in high standing,” “advanced in every branch of Freemasonry, becoming Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Kentucky on October 12, 1858. ” (page 2) The book goes on to explain that Morris received numerous honorary degrees and memberships in Masonry here and abroad.

Many believe that androgynous degrees existed in France over a century before, and Morris may have borrowed from this system.

“One Masonic booklet emphasizes: “Definitely is not a Masonic organization, although ritual and spiritual practice are definitely Masonic in spirit … In an address given by the Worthy Matron to the Eastern Star initiate … “We are not part of the Masonic institution … yet we are connected with Masonry by intimate and tender ties. ” (page 11) The book goes on to show more and more connections between the Eastern Star and the Masons. Only women related to Master Masons may join.

“the Eastern Star is really for the advantage and furtherance of Masonry.” (page 21)”The Eastern Star is composed of five degrees, each one taken from a passage of Scripture. The names of these degrees are Adah (…Jephthah’s daughter), Ruth, Esther, Martha, and Electa (pertaining to the “Elect lady ” mentioned in II John 1:1) ” (page 25)

During the initiation ceremony,…the story of Jephthah, the ninth judge of Israel, is expounded.” (page 26) The book goes on to explain that the ritual (allegedly) probably changes the actual story from one of animal sacrifice to human sacrifice and that Jephthah was a Mason. “… that it is claimed that Adah willingly allowed Jephthah to sacrifice her in order that her father would not break his MASONIC vow. ” (page 28)

Other biblical stories were also changed in other rituals.

“Although Masonry claims to be tolerant of all religions, the Roman commander, a Mason, demanded that Electa deny her Christian faith….(page 36)…the Masonic commander told Electa that “the recantation was a mere form,” which was, of course, a lie… by reporting that she had recanted… given up Christianity…;he would have been lying to the official…the judge is proclaimed as “a humane man and a Mason” … the fate inflicted upon Electa.. was probably left in the hands of this judge, I can only wonder what Masonry means by “humane” when we see the cruel tortures these Christians were put through, including destruction of property, scourging and crucifixion. All this was (allegedly) implemented by “brother” Masons.” (page 37)

The book also shows the connection between the Eastern Star and the Blazing Star (page 45 – 58) and the connection between the Blazing Star and the Dog Star (Sirius). “William Schnoebelen, a former Mason, points out that Sirius “is the most significant star in Satanism. It is sacred to the god, Set. ” (page 53)

Another name for the Dog Star is Mercury. “In Roman mythology Mercury … a magic wand called the “caduceus”. Mercury used this to guide the souls of the dead to the Lower World… Mercury was also one of the names of Gods invoked in Roman Necromancy. Necromancy is sorcery or communication with the dead. Another book mentions that Mercury was “the conductor of the dead to Hades (hell) “. Pike (famous 33rd degree Mason -mine), claims that Mercury is the “Guardian and Guide of Souls.” (page 56, 57)

“Gerald Gardner, BOTH A MASON AND (allegedly) WELL-KNOWN WITCH, “goes so far as to say that WITCHCRAFT IS THE ORIGINAL LODGE.” Gardner, like many other Masons and witches, had a “heavy sexual emphasis” in his brand of witchcraft.

Gerald Gardner’s rites also included ritual scourging and sexual intercourse between the High Priest and Priestess.” (page 63)

The book also discusses the Pentagram. The inverted Pentagram is often used as a public symbol for Eastern Star. (mine) “One of the most sinister aspects of this star is its correlation with the god Set. “Set was the Egyptian god of evil” (page 77). Set is another name for Satan, sources are Masonic writer Albert Churchward and “The Adeiphi Quarterly”. Also Michael Aquino’s “Temple of Set,” a Satanic organization. Note: the pentagram pointing down represents evil, like Eastern Star’s does. (The book goes into detail about the star on pages 77 – 93.)

The book discussed black magician Eliphas Levi and Aleister Crowley, both high ranking Masons and their connections to Satanism. “Crowley was a sex pervert… who felt he could harness power through the sex act… He also practiced sexual magic with a companion of Isadora Duncan’s, Mary D’Este Sturges,…he also took a troop of chorus girls…and had a violent affair with another “starving leopardess” of a girl, who needed to be beaten to obtain satisfaction… Physical sadism was another taste he acquired…Crowley filed his two canine teeth to a sharp point… when he met women… was inclined to … biting the wrist…painted his studio…with Demons…During one ritual he induced a he-goat to copulate with his constant female companion… then slit the animal’s throat at the moment of orgasm.” (page 101-102)

“Even though youth groups such as the Rainbow girls, Job’s Daughters and the DeMolays, seem like innocent groups…these associations are considered to be “feeder groups.” The adolescents in these societies are being groomed for potential membership when they reach adulthood … according to “The New Age” a Masonic journal, we are told that 50% of DeMolays join Masonry when they reach 21 years of age.. Masonic sponsorship of the Order of DeMolay has been and will continue to be the key to success….The SPIRIT of Freemasonry looms over every meeting of DeMolays or Masons. Whether he knows it or not, the Mason who is present brings with him a Luciferian priesthood, which envelopes all who are involved in the meeting. ” (page 366 – 367)

I want to thank Jean and Cathy Burns for their permission to use excerpts from Cathy’s book “The Masonic Connection: Hidden Secrets of the Eastern Star”. They also have a second book “Hidden Secrets of Masonry’ which I hope to discuss in a later issue. These books are available from Sharing, 212-S East 7th Street, Mt. Carmel, Pennsylvania, 17851-2211 or by calling Spring Valley at 1-800-395-5599 or fax 1-800-395-2682. Warning: the covers of these books may be triggering.

Survivor Article

The following article is part two of an article written by Neil Brick, a survivor of at least 18 years of alleged Masonic Satanic Ritual Abuse (part one is in Issue #1). The text was initially written for a book on Satanic Ritual Abuse. It was refused by the author of the compilation because Neil would not allow the removal of the word Mason from the article.

He believes that it is important to educate as many people as possible about alleged Masonic Satanic Ritual Abuse, to help save as many children and adults as possible from it. Evil can be stopped. And we all can heal from its effects. Permission to use part or the entire article can be gotten by writing to: P 0 Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027 Please note: all accusations are alleged. This may be triggering for survivors. Please use caution while reading.

The reason that many people do not know they are in the Masons is because the membership is “hidden” in nighttime personalities which are triggered (or cued into taking over the individual’s personality system) by times of year, phone calls, letters, hand signals, words and times of day and night. Some members believe that they only go to evening meetings or dinners and pay dues. Some of those above the 30th degree (except honorary members), may have knowledge of the Satanic activities in some part of their personality system. The Masons have a system of secret rituals and initiations running from the 1st to the 33rd degrees.

Cult indoctrination beginning at infancy continues throughout childhood and one’s entire life. During the adult years the indoctrination is reinforced. The indoctrination is primarily based on the message that the individual is worthless and simply a tool of Satan or the cult. The individual is often compared to excrement, rotten food, dead animals or garbage. By depriving the individual of self-esteem, the cult can develop addictive negative behaviors in the individual, that may become the only way the individual can connect with the world. This is because all healthy behaviors have also been destroyed through programming, such as allowing a child to get close to an animal or person and then killing it, saying it died because the child loved it. These negative behaviors allegedly include rape, cannibalism, torture, necrophilia, kidnaping, burying others alive and murder. These are all developed within the individual as separate or conglomerate cult personalities and are taught by the cult at an early age, until the behavior becomes so deeply entrenched that it can be triggered by a signal or it may simply become an emotional response, inside or outside of the cult.

Satanic Ritual Abuse was created over centuries by very sick and twisted individuals who needed to have absolute power over others. They needed a system to hide their horrible crimes from society and from themselves, so they could live in the warped day time illusion of being proud members of society. They wanted to have it all. But in reality they had (and have) nothing. They ended up by hiding from decency, the truth and themselves.

During the first 6 years of life some cult members are allegedly taught to be killers. This is done by allegedly raping or torturing the person, then sticking a knife in their hand and hand over hand having them stab, at first potatoes, then dead animals, dead people, live animals and allegedly live people. The cult member is taught to feel responsible for their death (and therefore guilty), so why not kill again (,the cult would say). So, when the killing alters were called, the cult member would allegedly have to kill. Some are taught to enjoy killing. If not removed from the cult, an adult member may allegedly be triggered to go and kill those undesirable to the cult. People that either ratted on the cult, were unstable (those with cult alters coming out during the day) or simply societies’ “leaches” (poor people or the homeless). A true example follows: The cult member was supposed to go to a specific parking lot to get a specific car that had a gun in the trunk or a knife in the glove compartment. Then he/she was supposed to drive to certain locations and do what was required by the cult. Fortunately, the ex-member disconnected this program by remembering all of this information and some of the triggers they used to start this program in their mind.

This was not all cult members are trained to do. They are allegedly trained to disembowel living animals and people, to drain the blood of living and dead bodies, to rape children and women, to humiliate and break anyone’s spirit and to tell on those that told about the Masons or the cult to others.

Members and ex-members may feel very isolated from the rest of the world. They don’t believe people are able to understand what it feels like to have been so badly abused, how hard it is to trust people after what happened. Very few are able to hear the intense memories and feelings. I hope someday this will change and there will be a lot of support for ritual abuse survivors.

It is sometimes very difficult to get support from the system to heal. For some, it is a solitary healing path. Some people in 12-step programs are unable to deal with ritual abuse survivors, though these programs can teach survivors a lot and help when there is no place else to go. (It is alleged some of these programs may be infiltrated.) Therapists sometimes won’t even see ritual abuse survivors. The few that do may have such high rates that most ritual abuse survivors can’t afford them. Therapy, when available, can help a great deal. Telling the memories to a safe person can help a survivor become one and feel more at peace.

Unless a ritual abuse survivor is hospitalized, self-injurious or suicidal, it is very difficult to get services in the mental health system. Some services that are usually available may be substandard, and may not provide adequate support systems and care.

Even though it is not easy, we can heal from the effects of ritual abuse. The creativity and strength that helped us survive the original traumas can help us through the healing process. I have found that the necessary help has come to me when I have needed it, from many different sources. With hard work, progress is made and what needs to be done to survive and thrive does become clearer. We all have the choice between good and evil. The choice is ours.


The following is a letter from a current subscriber. Please note: all accusations are alleged.

Hello to all survivors,

We call ourselves The A., we live inside D.J. who we call our G. I J. am what we call the second core person, as I was born with D.J. and have been with her all her 29 yrs. We together survived Satanic Ritual abuse and what we call Marionette abuse (Torture by medical experiments and mind control experiments)

It is a great honor to be sharing with all who reads this meaning you are as strong and intelligent and courageous and good as we are.

I’d like to share a piece of our religious upbringing when we were young. The Satanic people we know often secretly slipped into churches with all its evil intentions and hatred, and there they cursed God and committed brutal crimes as they laughed insanely on the alter the preacher would be preaching at the next day. And on Sundays they’d dress in their finest clothes and attend that church and sit in the place of God and wear evil smirks on their faces as if they say “Ha Ha these idiots don’t even realize they have Satanists sitting and silently worshipping Satan in their own church.”

The father in our family was a Satanist , the mother had no desire to step into the small town church we attended every Sunday morning. We were dressed up in frilly clothes and black shiny shoes and a pearl beaded bag with jingling change for the offering and candy at the penny store after the service. Despite the outside appearance of being this innocent well raised child inside we felt like the darkest ugliest shameful human being on the face of the Earth. I remember stepping out of the car at the walkway to the big white doors of the church and with each step closer to the door the more nauseous I got and believing one day those doors would open like big jaws and swallow me alive knowing I didn’t belong there.

When inside and led down stairs to the Sunday School classes I found the all too familiar feeling of panic and terror settling deep into my stomach, so tight I could barely breath, I’d run and hang my white fur coat on the coat rack and slip secretly into the bathroom where I hid for the entire hour and a half, curled up on the floor in pain, on the verge of vomiting and passing out we’d sing to ourselves to make the time go by, sometimes we gather inside and hold on tight to one another hoping we’d make it through another Sunday. We’d sometimes listen through the bathroom door and hear the children laughing and singing and having fun and think to ourselves “Why are they having fun, Why are we here in pain, Why are we so different from the children on the outside of this door?” Often we’d cry, longing to know what those children knew and seemed to enjoy.

After Sunday school came the trip to the upstairs congregation where everyone gathered to sing and hear stories from the preacher. All the kids sat on the right side of the church. I always made sure to sit on the open end of the bench just in case I needed to run. I’d sit and listen to the stories and songs knowing the night before evil ran rampant throughout that place, children didn’t sing then, they screamed in terror and pain, it wasn’t lively as it was on Sunday mornings it was deadly the night before.

As the preacher always did he’d stepped down from his alter to speak directly to the children, little stories and kind words to us about how God loved us and we were good and valuable. I’d barely hear his deep voice as I was taken away in my own thoughts as I looked around at the colorful stained glass windows and plush blue and gold carpets and the fine dressed people, and the huge gold shiny organ, everything clean and in its proper place. I thought it was the most beautiful place on earth, where the most beautiful music played and came from inside the people who visited every Sunday.

All that beauty on the outside and within me was this sick darkening knowing “I don’t belong here, I have no place here like the preacher thinks I do, I am not good and beautiful, I am dark and evil as they said last night, I am not worthy of this place, I am not worthy of God and his love, I have no place, no belonging ” I’d often cry inside, and as leaving the church at noon every Sunday I felt a sense of relief that this time I didn’t die …. again.

Walking to the candy store I’d often give my money to my brothers too sick to think of enjoying candy, and on the long drive home I’d lay on the back seat and once again announce I couldn’t eat the large Sunday meal the mother prepared. The rest of the day I’d be ill and resting in my bed, crying in the darkness of my shame.

After 3 years of continuous sickness on Sundays and the following days I was taken to a specialist and at the age of 8 yrs. I had my first nervous breakdown, the doctor called “A nervous stomach condition” And at that young age I was put on mild tranquilizers, which did nothing considering at least three days out of the week by the evil ones we were given much harsher drugs.

We have, after years of hard work together, long nights of talking and crying with D.J. and friends we have come to realize that the church wasn’t our home, wasn’t our sanctuary, not that we weren’t wanted or loved, we were but our sense of goodness and worthiness is within not on the outside. Because we are here says we are the blessed ones, we are good and honest and strong, and in the darkest moments, in the darkness of that Sundays school basement we found light within us, that light gave us the miracle of survival amongst a world where many did not survive. And through it all we kept the light lit to this very day and now we have a place in this world, a place where we join hands and hearts with the most lovable, generous, kind, honest , compassionate human souls, that sing to us and know more beauty than we’ve ever known. In all that lies the truth for us that a higher power lies within all of us Yet only the blessed and gifted as we are can see, know and feel it.

You/We are the multi-colors we saw in the window of that church, your/our voice is the music from the golden organ, you/we are the hope that carried us through every Sunday morning in our hopeless young life.

Be proud my friends, hang your heads in shame no more. We know you are good. We know you shine within.

J., D . J. and A.

I want to thank the A. for sending us this letter and allowing us to print it. S.M.A.R.T. is always looking for letters, personal accounts and book reviews, especially those about the Masons and related groups. Please send them to : P. O. Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027


Please note: Listing of these resources does not necessarily constitute our endorsement of them. They are for educational value only and some may be triggering.

Please also note. Some of the conferences listed may not necessarily be safe for all survivors. S.M.A.R.T. recommends always bringing a support person to all conferences. If you are a survivor of mind control and/or ritual abuse, S.M.A.R.T. recommends that you try to bring a support person that is familiar with mind control techniques.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous (S.I.A.), Inc. is a 12-step recovery program, started in 1982. It is an international network of autonomous, self-help meetings that can be used with or without other forms of therapy by survivors of child sexual abuse. There are no dues or fees. S.I.A. now has a brochure called “understanding Ritual Abuse: A Guide for Self-Empowerment for Ritual Abuse Survivors Some of their meetings are specifically for ritual abuse survivors. For further information send a SASE or call : S.I.A. Inc., P.O. Box 21817, Baltimore, Md. 21222-6817, 410-282-3400. (This is an old address.)

Believe the Children and Survivors and Victims Empowered are pleased to announce “The Tapestry of Ritual Child Abuse: Past, Present and Future.” The conference will be held June 16 – 18, 1995 at the Arlington Park Hilton in Arlington Heights, Illinois.

There will be a variety of workshops presented as well as literature tables. Speakers will include Chrystine Oksana, Daniel Ryder and Detective Robert J Simandl. Last year there was art work and music from ritual abuse survivors. S.M.A.R.T. will have literature presented and will have a representative there on Saturday. Scholarships on a volunteer basis may be available, but call or write as soon as possible.

For more information write Believe the Children, P.O. 797, Cary, Il. 60013, or call 708-515-5432 (BTC no longer exists.)

I attended the conference last year, and I learned a lot. Many people there have done a great deal to fight against ritual abuse. However several people there had trouble believing that the Masons allegedly ritually abuse through their organization. Also, several felt that ritual abuse is not organized, and I did not see any examples of organized ritual abuse presented there. Hopefully our presence will change that, and bring attention to the fact that ritual abuse is sometimes organized and intergenerational.

R. A. Speak Out recently sent me a 12 page bibliography of books on the Masons. It is available on the Internet. For more information write: A-albionic Research, P.0. Box 20273, Ferndale, Michigan 48220, fax 313-885-1181, e-mail

The California Consortium to Prevent Child Abuse, Survivorship and Bay Area Women Against Rape present “Ritual Abuse Survivorship : Staying Afloat. There will be seminars for professionals, survivors and partners. It will be at the Oakland Airport Hilton, Oakland, Ca., May 13, 1995. For more information or to order audio tapes write CCPCA, 1600 Sacramento Inn Way #123, Sacramento, Ca. 95815 or call Mardra Tefertiller or Paul Crissey at 916-648-8010. (This may be an old address.)

Margaret Smith , author of “Ritual Abuse What it is, Why it Happens, How to Help” and Reaching Out will be sponsoring a Networking Workshop for survivors, concerned parents, and professionals on June 10, 1995 in Sacramento, California. It will focus on networking and communication skills, it is not a therapy workshop. The cost is only $10.00 for the whole day. If you want to network but can’t make you can fill out a form to be listed in the Networking Guide. For more information you can write Reaching Out, 1296 E. Gibson Rd. #218, Woodland, Ca. 95776. (This organization no longer exists.)

S.M.A.R.T. is looking for additional articles about alleged Masonic abuse (including affiliated organizations) and ritual abuse. We are also looking for poetry, personal accounts and letters to publish in this newsletter, especially those relating to the Masons and related groups. We are also looking for events and resources to list. If you have any questions or things you’d like to have published please send them with your signed written permission to : S M A R T, P 0 1295, Easthampton, Ma. 01027.

Good luck in your recovery process and/or your process of helping others heal.