Memory Recovery and Screen Memories

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This transcript is from a presentation by Kathleen Sullivan at The Fourth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference, August 10 – 12, 2001 at the DoubleTree Hotel in Windsor Locks, CT. Some of the topics discussed may be triggering. The conference is educational and not intended as therapy or treatment. All accusations are alleged. Our providing the information below does not necessarily constitute our endorsement of it.

Katherine Sullivan, age 46, is a survivor lifelong sadistic abuse, ritualized torture and mind-control experiments. She is working towards a degree in social work and is co-founder of PARC-VRAMC. Her topic is : “Memory Recovery and Screen Memories.”

Introduction

My name is Kathleen Sullivan. I’m a survivor of more than 30 years of sadistic abuse, ritualized torture, and mentally controlled human slavery. I am also the former victim and daughter of a man who specialized in traumatizing and programming children. My father, William Thomas Shirk (deceased) was personally tutored by a Nazi doctor I knew as both Dr. Black and Dr. Schwarz. I am now making my father’s name public with his widow’s permission.

I am co-founder and president of PARC-VRAMC, a non-profit organization that teaches the public about the effects of certain types of trauma. My husband and I are developing a living memorial garden near Chattanooga, Tennessee that honors the experiences and strengths of victims and survivors of these traumas.

Up until now, I’ve used the name Katherine to protect myself from repercussions. I was afraid of one of my relatives, who threatened to do me harm if I say certain things. I’ve gotten to the point in my recovery where I’m not afraid of her anymore. So from now on, I’ll be using my legal name, Kathleen. I apologize for any confusion this has caused any of you.

I have a lot of material to cover, so please hold your questions and comments until after I’m done.

I’m going to share about the differences between short-term, long-term and traumatic memory. I’ll talk about how memory transference can accidentally be done. I’ll discuss techniques I’ve used in retrieving memory. I’ll talk about how electricity was used to erase and fragment my memories. And finally, I’ll talk about screen memories and memory scrambles, and how they were used in my life.

If at any time any of you need to get up and go stretch your legs or get a drink of water, please feel free to do so.

Three kinds of memory

First, I want to talk a little bit about the human brain’s way of processing short-term and long-term memory.

I’ll be using quotes from Dr. Charles Whitfield’s book, “Memory and Abuse: Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma.” If you want to learn more about how your brain stores and processes memory, this is the book to read. (Quotes are in italics.)

Information comes into our brain through our senses – sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, and position. All experience enters the part of our brain that processes primary or short-term memory, where the information is either rehearsed or forgotten. However, important or rehearsed memory may enter our long-term or secondary memory where it is stored for future retrieval and use (p. 15-16). One way to rehearse memory is to say it aloud to ourselves or someone else. Another way to reinforce memory is to listen to the information on a cassette tape over and over again. Another way is to write the information down, like I do with my journals.

Traumatic memory is stored differently. (Page 42) Whitfield wrote that

ordinary memory tends to be more conscious, voluntary and flexible, while traumatic memory is usually more involuntary and unconscious, and is often rigid. Ordinary memory tends to be more oriented in time, whereas traumatic memory is usually frozen outside of time . . . coming more from our unconscious mind. And even while it is frozen in time, when it surfaces unconsciously or when we consciously remember it we feel like it is happening right now, at this very moment, as opposed to having happened in the past.

Trauma memory is stored as state-dependent memory. According to Dr. Whitfield, state-dependent memory means we tend to remember better when we are in the same inner or experiential state that we were in when we first experienced or learned something (p. 44). This is why survivors and therapists talk so much about triggers. Triggers are stimuli that we felt or experienced during the original trauma. The memory gets attached in our mind to the triggers. And then later, encountering the triggers again will bring up the memory of the trauma. This is an example of state-dependent memory. The effect of encountering the trigger brings up the memory. Without the trigger, the memory may never come up.

Whitfield’s list of triggers and memory cues (p. 46):

Hearing another’s story or observing another’s struggle and recovery

Seeing a media presentation

Reading recovery oriented literature

A certain taste, odor or smell

Being touched in a certain way

Being in a safe relationship

Being in an intimate relationship

Normal developmental milestones and events

Seeing a certain image or scene

Working a recovery program

Another trigger I’ve experienced is a chemical change in my brain that takes place when I use a chemical that affects my brain and body the same way they were affected by the chemical in the past. Blocking memory by the use of a chemical is known as a drug screen.

Example: In my abnormal psychology class, our teacher advised students who smoke marijuana not to do it while studying for exams. She explained that the chemical effect will attach to the information being studied. Then during the exam, in order to remember what was studied, the student would need to smoke marijuana again. This is known as a drug screen; the absence of the drug blocks the retrieval of the information.

This is one reason why some ritual and mind-control perpetrators give their victims drugs first, before teaching them or giving them commands. That way, the victims may need the same chemicals in their bodies before they can remember the training or information.

I tested this state dependent memory theory about 7 years ago. A perpetrator posing as a deprogrammer gave me some marijuana from Hawaii. He told me to take it home and smoke it and see if it unlocked any memory. I did it in my basement while my husband sat and watched with a tape recorder. I was amazed at how much I remembered about a long verbal message I had couriered to a politician in the past, about military maneuvers. The only problem was that after the drug wore off, I again couldn’t remember the message. I had to hear my voice on tape and look at my husband’s notes, to know what I said.

I’ve also occasionally experimented with different types of alcohol, since I drank it more than I care to remember, when with handlers and other abusers. Because I have a problem with chemical dependency, I’m always careful not to overindulge anymore. When I experiment with different types of liquor, I notice that they do help unlock different types of memory. Unfortunately, once the liquor wears off, I’m not able to retrieve the memories again.

State-dependent memory is why one alter-state will emerge and give a lot of information about certain events and people, and yet other alter-states that emerge won’t know anything. We have to be in the altered state of consciousness that we originally were in during the trauma or event, to be able to remember it clearly. Another alternative is to have that first alter-state and another one out at the same time, so that the second alter-state can translate and speak for the first alter-state that’s remembering. When that happens, the second alter-state can then store at least part of the first alter-state’s memory too, so that more than one part has the information. This is the same as co-consciousness.

Mental programmers and handlers know that when they traumatize their victim, the commands and information will go deeper into the mind than under any other conditions. This is probably the main reason why survivors of occult ritual abuse and mind-control experimentation have had so many different memories of being traumatized. I personally believe that a lot of the ritualized trauma so many survivors experienced was deliberately done to horrify the victims, so that information and training given to them would go deeper down inside.

Mental health professionals who work with survivors of traumatic events have discovered that if they are able to talk to survivors of trauma within several hours of the traumatic event, the victims are able to internalize the words of the healing professionals in a much deeper way than they would a day or week later.

Now I want to talk about a tricky area in memory recovery research – accidental scrambling of memories. Please bear with me. I will explain where I’m going with this. I’m not a member of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation and frankly, I think the basis of their so-called foundation is purely evil. However, that does not mean that I don’t believe my traumatic memories can’t be contaminated after I’ve remembered them. I’ve talked with several therapists who are very dedicated to helping trauma survivors. They have confirmed what I’ve learned. This information I’m about to give you is simply to help us all sort out verifiable memories from those that can be used in a negative way to discredit us in public or in court.

When traumatic memories emerge, they are in pure form. They are still flash-frozen from the past. However, as soon as I start talking about a traumatic memory I’ve just recovered, it goes into a new storage area in my brain. In that new area, it can be changed without my even realizing it. This is why, when I remember a traumatic memory, I immediately write down the memory in detail, before I say a word about it to anyone, or watch TV or do anything else.

I want to give you several documented examples of an accidental memory scramble, so you can understand how traumatic memories can be contaminated, creating problems for trauma survivors. I’m going to quote from an article I found in a recent Elle magazine (I don’t know the month of issue), starting on page 266: “Misremembrance of Things Past” by Sandy M. Fernandez.

A 24-year-old blond woman was abducted, assaulted, and repeatedly raped by a black man in Tyler, Texas. After he let her go, she picked out a man’s picture from over 3400 mug shots police showed her. Ten days later, she picked the same man out of a line-up as she burst into tears. At the trial the assistant DA asked her, “Is there any doubt in your mind that this is the man that raped you?” She said, “I know that’s the man.” DA: “Unquestionably?” She replied, “Unquestionably.” Unfortunately, she helped send the wrong man to prison. It took 16 years for him to be freed when a DNA test proved he was not the rapist. The article went on to show that when a traumatic memory is retrieved, another person asking questions can accidentally suggest information that can change the memory. The memory is then re-stored in the brain fresh, with the new/false information added.

Had that victim not been made to look at mug shots and a lineup, she wouldn’t have felt pressured to identify a picture. Although she would have not identified the rapist that day, her visual memory of him would have stayed much purer. By showing her thousands of mug shots, the police contaminated her memory without meaning to. Another incident cited in the magazine article was almost identical: again, a female rape victim memorized her attacker’s facial features, and yet identified the wrong man out of mug shots and a police lineup. Memory researchers call this “unconscious transference,” the substitution of one face for another. A third example of this happened in Australia.

Several years ago . . . an Australian . . . had an unsettling – and amazingly ironic – encounter with this phenomenon when he was accused of rape by a woman attacked in her house. Thomson had an airtight alibi – he had been on television, doing a live interview. It turned out the victim had seen his face on her TV during the attack, and substituted one for the other.

Now I want to explain why this is not an example of false memory syndrome. A false memory is one that did not previously exist. It is a memory pulled out of the air about something that did not happen. It is not based on a traumatic event; it is fabricated. In all three cases mentioned in the article, the woman was raped by an attacker. Her trauma was genuine.

I’ve done something similar in my memory recovery work. I’ve mentally confused the faces of men in some of my memories. For example, I’ve remembered handlers who looked like certain TV actors. Because I’m not artistic, this was the only way I knew to describe them to others. Unfortunately, when I did that and then went back to the memories in my mind, I found that I had replaced the true abusers’ faces with those of the TV actors, and could no longer remember the true faces of the handlers.

Another example of memory transference is this: within a short period, I have remembered two different traumas that had at least one similarity. Later, I described one of the traumas to somebody, only to discover that I had managed to pull details from the other trauma into it. This is why, if I’m telling a journalist about a memory, I now insist on referring back to the journal where I first wrote the trauma memory down.

Another example of memory transference is that when I allegedly remembered Michael Aquino as one of my overseas handlers, I remembered how to pronounce his last name correctly. Then I met with a perpetrator posing as a deprogrammer, who said it a different way and convinced me that his way of pronouncing it was correct. After that, I couldn’t remember how I originally heard it in memory. I think the perpetrator scrambled my memory so that if I said Michael’s last name the wrong way to people, I would discredit myself.

Memory retrieval techniques

Now I’ll talk about the main techniques I’ve used to retrieve and preserve the content of traumatic memories.

Dream journals are easiest for me to do, although sometimes the contents of dreams can wipe me out for a day or more. Dreams are our unconscious mind’s way of processing information that we aren’t ready to remember. Dreams are also used by our unconscious mind to gradually desensitize us to upsetting information. There have been weeks when I couldn’t remember a single detail from each night’s worth of dreaming, even though I knew the dreams were very important. I’ve had nights where I seemed to wake up constantly to write notes down from dreams I knew I wouldn’t be able to remember the next morning. I’ve had mornings when I woke up, remembering 3 or 4 dreams in a row, in vivid detail. And yet I’ve had other mornings when I’d wake up and remember just a detail or two from a dream, and then it fuzzed out before I could start writing it down.

There is no right way to journal dreams, but I can tell you a few things that have helped me. First, I have a touch lamp on the table on my side of our bed. I position it so that I can touch it without having to move much. When I turn it on to write down a dream, I use the lowest light to keep from breaking my trance. I always keep a pen and a spiral-bound notebook beside my bed, open and ready to use. I keep the radio off when I go to sleep and when I wake up, so no words or lyrics from the radio or anything visual from the TV will attach to my dreams. When I wake up, my very patient husband knows not to speak to me if he sees me reaching for my notepad. I never, ever talk to him about what I’ve remembered until I have written down every last word.

If I sense the dream is mostly or all memory, I note that on the first line of what I write about the dream. I divide my dreams into the following categories: “straight memory,” “partly symbolic,” “symbolic,” “screen memory” and “scrambled.” I’ll explain screen memories and scrambles later. When I categorize my dreams, it’s with the awareness that I can change my mind about them later. I might initially believe one is purely symbolic, and realize later that it was probably straight memory. On the top of each page I write a brief synopsis of the dream, including any details that seem important.

The most important technique I’ve learned to use when I journal dreams is this: using the memory of my peripheral vision, I scan the room or vehicle or whatever I was in, and I write the details of the environment, the physical features of the people I was with, my own physical features to give me a clue of how old I was, and what kind and color clothes we wore. If I saw windows, I write whether it was light or dark outside. If I saw hardwood trees, I note whether or not they had leaves. If I saw ground or a parking lot, I write the colors and textures. The same goes for the outside of buildings. Inside, if I remembered walking down corridors or into rooms, going up or down in elevators, whatever I could remember, I write as much detail as possible. I don’t put off my dream journaling, because later on in the day I start to lose the memory again. Once I’m satisfied that I’ve squeezed every tiny bit of information from the dreams, I put my notepad down and I get on with my day.

In order to really remember at least one or two dreams, I need between 9 and 10 hours of sound sleep. Because I do so much memory processing in my sleep, I don’t get enough dreamless sleep if I wake up after just 8 hours. That keeps me from remembering my dreams. If I sleep an hour or two longer, I’m usually able to remember several dreams in vivid detail.

While I work on memories, I’m careful not to get so caught up in the past that I use it to avoid living in the here and now. My therapist borrowed a saying that survivors who work on memories need to keep one foot in the past and one in the present. I spent several years working so hard on retrieving traumatic memories that I suffered a lot from major depression. I also became agoraphobic and stopped trying to socialize with others. This wasn’t healthy.

One obvious problem with keeping a journal is the risk of someone else in the household reading it. I’m fortunate to have a husband who respects my privacy. Some survivors protect their privacy by putting their journal in a metal lock box under the bed. Other survivors give their journals to their therapists to keep in the office, but this can be a problem for therapists with limited storage space.

Daytime journals are really a continuation of my dreamwork. Sometimes I have the opportunity during the day to slip back into a mini-trance and retrieve more details from a dream. I use a small notepad I keep in my purse to write the details down. When I’m done, I always write down the current date on the page, because later on I may need to verify that I remembered an event or detail before I read about it somewhere else.

Daytime journals are also good for writing about flashbacks and what went on in therapy. Although I tend to err on the side of caution, I’ve noticed that as I review older journals I seem to have categorized dreams as symbolic or scrambled, whereas now I think they were probably mostly or all straight memory.

A long time ago, I decided to go slow and easy on accepting my memories. This takes the pressure off of feeling a need to prove that everything I remember is legitimate. I give myself the luxury of working through the emotional impact of the memories first, before I look for verifications. When certain information recurs again and again in flashbacks and dreams, I know it’s probably information I need to pay close attention to.

Automatic writing is more intense for me. I did a lot of it in the mid 1990’s. I chose a room in the house to use when I wanted to remember more, in private. I told my teenaged daughter and husband not to disturb me under any circumstances. In that room, I either had a bed to sit on or lots of pillows on the floor, so I would feel comfortable and safe. I always kept a comfy afghan or quilt nearby. When I was ready to do automatic writing, I took off my shoes and any uncomfortable jewelry and restrictive clothes. I sat down and put my notepad, pen, colored pencils, art paper, and crayons within reach. I usually also had a cassette recorder ready to use.

Then I relaxed on the bed or surrounded by pillows, and allowed my mind to go into a deep trance. After that, alter-states or memories would emerge, and the writing or art work would begin. I only drank lukewarm water because cold water and vivid tastes could break the trance. I always kept a box of Kleenex or Puffs with aloe vera, because I cried a lot. I kept the TV and radio off. I placed a few favorite toys in the room, in case the memories got rough. Since some parts were afraid to write or talk, I kept alphabetical refrigerator magnets for them to spell out words. Then another alter-state could write down the words.

Sometimes I needed to yell. I was fortunate to have a room that was halfway underground and away from other houses. But when I didn’t have that luxury, I simply yelled into my pillow, as much and as long as I needed to.

I also made sure that certain objects were available in case an alter-state emerged that held a lot of rage. I had a large punching bag in the nearby garage, and kept a plastic bat in the room, along with gloves to protect my hands from blisters.

I was always careful not to put the present date on any artwork or journaling until after every possible bit of memory was retrieved and documented, because by writing the present date, I brought myself back to the here and now, which ended the trance state. Sometimes I’d do automatic writing for three or four hours straight, until I decided I’d had enough for the day. At that time I didn’t have a computer, but a laptop would have been useful since writing for hours can be painful. The biggest problem with doing automatic writing alone in a room was that I had no one to comfort me and be my witness. I was alone while reliving some pretty horrific stuff. This is not something I’d recommend to anyone, unless they have a good internal support system set up between at least several mature alter-states. Even then it can be difficult and unpleasant work. I have to admit, though, that using automatic writing gave me my most important and verifiable memories.

Right hand/left hand writing is an older therapeutic tool that has helped me get past some amnesic barriers. By using my left hand, I seemed to be able to access memories stored in younger alter-states. I think this may be because I was probably born left-handed.

Freudian slips are fun to work with. My former mental programmers and handlers used certain words, sometimes as code and sometimes as part of their individual vocabularies. I always review my speech and writing, as well as my groceries, to see if any new or odd words or phrases are starting to pop up. One politician who believed he owned me, used berry words a lot when talking to me. I still have an overwhelming need to stock my freezer with strawberries and blueberries. I was flabbergasted one night to see a film in which he talked about being in a crash during WWII, ending up with a “strawberry” on his forehead.

I still overuse the words “big time,” “frankly,” “often” and “major.” I’ve tried to retrieve information connected to these words, but I don’t seem to be ready yet. These are all examples of Freudian slips. They are messages from my subconscious mind about suppressed memories and information I still haven’t worked through.

Automatic typing and poetry are two things I like to do on my computer. I use both methods to access information that is still somewhat blocked out, but I can sense it’s getting closer to the surface. I use automatic typing when I know parts want to share, and I’m not quite ready to know their information in full. I know that my consciousness is not accepting the information those parts have, because some kind of trauma is attached to their memory. But if it’s that close to my consciousness, I’m willing to pull it up. I sit at my computer and put myself into a trance. I’ve been amazed at how many parts wrote, one after another, sometimes having long conversations about memories or problems I still wasn’t aware of.

Typing poetry is a way for me to express strong emotions. I have a lot of problems with expressing and tapping into my emotions, especially when they are strong. By allowing my creative side to come out, I’m amazed at how I express what’s bothering me.

I have a notebook full of about ten years worth of poetry. By doing poetry, I’m able to express enough of an emotion so that I don’t dump it on someone I love. And sometimes, within the poetry, I find clues about dangerous behaviors of people I’m still in denial about.

Artwork is something I’m not as comfortable doing. I am more of a word person. I think it’s because I saw so many horrible things. Still, there are times I find parts that best express themselves through artwork. This works especially well for nonverbal parts. I keep an artist’s sketch pad handy when I’m home, along with crayons, charcoal, colored pencils and pens. If parts need to do artwork, I again try to set up a private place so they won’t be disturbed. Some of my artwork has given me clues that I might not have gotten any other way.

Collages were something I did earlier on in my recovery. I’m not going to share too much about them, because Annie has covered this subject very nicely. I used collages to identify programming and cues and triggers, since parts were not free to write or talk about these things. I have a stack of poster boards at home, with cut-out pictures and words from magazines. I’ll pass around one collage that includes pictures of a theater building in Washington DC where I was allegedly taken to be debriefed and have screen memories implanted after black ops. Please do not look at it if you think it may be triggering for you.

One of the things some of you know I love to do, is collect newspaper cartoon strips. Once in a while I’ll run across one that is absolutely right-on about something I’m dealing with. I usually keep a shoe box in front of my sofa in the living room. Once a year or so, I’ll make a collage out of them. This is a more fun way of expressing myself.

Reviewing old journals is something I recently started. I didn’t want to. I’d started building a new life and didn’t want to think about the past anymore. However, I recently realized I’d re-repressed a lot of memories. This isn’t good, because it means I went back into denial about certain people in my life. I don’t want them hurting or accessing me again. By going back through my journals, I’ve discovered that yes, I did re-repress a lot of information. So this time, as I review the journals, I write notes about each memory to help me remember it more.

Another technique I’ve used is cassette recordings of groups of alter-states sharing memories. The nice bonus of doing this is that after I integrate or blend with the alter-states, I get to hear them again. Because I’ve integrated a lot, I sometimes go into denial now about how fragmented I was. The cassette tapes verify that I did have unique alter-states that were very different from each other. I’ll treasure these tapes for probably the rest of my life.

Stun guns and ECT

Now I want to talk a little bit about electricity and how it can affect or erase memory. Although my dad was an expert on electricity, being a mechanical, chemical and electrical engineer, I am not. However, I can tell you how electroshock (ECT) and stun guns affected my memory.

If anyone doesn’t believe electricity can be used to erase memory, I’ll quote from an Associated Press news article, dated February 11, 2001. This article may be triggering for some survivors.

LIMA, Peru – Demetrio Chavez says torturers used drugs, electric shocks and even drilled a hole in his head to make him forget about his drug-trafficking partnership with Peru’s chief of security. His story, told to congressional investigators and TV cameras, is the latest to fascinate Peruvians as they unravel the lurid goings-on during the decade-long rule of former President Alberto Fujimori, which ended in November. Chavez’s story keeps the spotlight where it has been for months – [on a spymaster] who is believed to have fled Peru in a boat in October.

I have remembered a regimen of combined drugs and forced electroshock (a.k.a. ECT) being used on me many times, especially towards the end of my alleged forced service with the CIA. When I remembered the electro-convulsive “therapy,” I was very curious. Could this explain why my memory about many of the covert ops, and also of the rest of my past, is so terribly fragmented?

Last fall, in my abnormal psychology class, we watched a film from the mid-1970’s, “Madness and Medicine.” Howard K. Smith was the narrator.

The film was about three things: psychiatric drugs and treatment, lobotomies, and ECT. It included an interview with a Dr. Grimm. As he talked about ECT, he stated that it caused confusion and disorientation. He said the patient would become emotionally disorganized. Then he said ECT caused brain injury. Several times in the film, people who were interviewed emphasized that the most consistent effect of ECT was memory loss – not only of the ECT itself, but also of other parts of the patient’s life and history.

I have had memories, from before the ECT assaults, in which I had alter states that fully understood, and had full awareness of, what they were used to do, allegedly by the CIA. The parts knew when, how, where, why and who used them. But since the ECT’s and forced drugs, even my alter-states seem to have fragmented memories, which is very frustrating.

I’m also aware that although I definitely had photographic memory when I was younger, it’s gone now. I can’t help but wonder if this is another result of the ECT’s and drugs. When I prepared for an exam in the past, all I had to do was look at each page of notes and in the textbooks, and I could see them in my mind the next day. I didn’t have to study at all. Now, I use several different memorization techniques and they still don’t work all that well.

This past year, a friend sent me excerpts from Peter Breggin’s book, “Toxic Psychiatry”:

H.C. Tien, a Michigan psychiatrist who founded an earlier organization, the American Society for Electrotherapy, would draw attention in the late 1970’s and early 80’s from using shock to obliterate and reprogram the mind of a woman to make her a more suitable housewife.” (P. 90)

[Tien] utilized ECT to erase memory and personality. He used ECT to ‘maximize memory loss and for a very good reason,’ which was to eradicate the woman’s identity or personality in order to reprogram it.” (P. 201)

Now I’ll talk about stun guns. I’ve had many memories that suddenly end just as a handler finishes doing something with me, or I switch and get out of control. I’ve had other memories that suddenly begin when I find myself inside a building, not knowing how I got there or where I was. These are not blackouts where parts are missing that hold the rest of the information. The memory is completely gone.

I have many small, circular marks on my arms and other parts of my body that are lacking in pigmentation – they are whiter than the rest of my skin and they shine in the sunlight. Whenever I looked at them I sensed they were from stun gun assaults. I finally got up the nerve to talk to a former police officer who’s now a private detective. Without saying what I thought the marks were from, I held out my right arm and showed him the marks. He told me they were from stun guns. I asked him how he knew. He said they were identical to marks created on prisoners’ arms after he and other officers used stun guns on them. I still have difficulty looking at my forearms. Every time I do, I feel such pain and anger about what was done to me.

I don’t have another verification for this yet, but one programmer claimed that when a stun gun is held against a muscled area for a certain number of seconds, it can create about ten minutes of memory loss before the application and another ten minutes after. If this is true, then handlers might use stun guns not only to torture and control their victims, but also to wipe out memory of short-term events, like getting out of a car and going inside a building.

I’ve collected several different stun guns, to desensitize myself to being around them. A handout came with one of them. It states that an application of over three seconds will “cause loss of balance and muscle control, mental confusion and disorientation.” Another manufacturer’s website states that if a stun gun is applied for five seconds, the person will feel as if he fell from a second story building onto a concrete sidewalk. I’ve read where stun guns can make a victim confused and dazed for up to 30 minutes. If all of this is true, then the victim’s brain is definitely affected by the electricity. And if the brain is affected, it only makes sense that stun gun applications can affect or even erase memory.

I know that some of my memories may never come back. This is something I am still angry and grieving over. I am the sum of my experiences. To erase some of my memory of my experiences is to take away pieces of who I am. Permanent loss of memory is difficult to deal with and painful to accept. It’s a grieving process I’m not through yet. I still want all of my memory back, and it’s difficult to accept that this may never happen.

Screen memories and memory scrambles

Now I want to share some of the things I’ve learned over the years about externally induced screen memories and memory scrambles. I learned about both, as an involuntary assistant to programmers and as a victim of ritual abuse and mind control.

Some memories can seem absolutely valid to me when they first come up, but when I talk about them to my support system, they look at me funny or with sympathy or disbelief, or they abruptly change the subject or walk away. Their reactions are sometimes a big clue that what I am remembering is so far away from “normal” reality that the memory may be a screen memory.

Screen memories are deliberately created in the minds of trauma victims for at least five reasons:

Screen memories confuse the victims both during the event and later on, as the victims recover their memories.

Screen memories block out memories of more serious events that the perpetrators do not want victims to remember and talk about

If the screen memories are sufficiently traumatic and/or bizarre, victims may spend so much time fixating on them and trying to understand them, that they never get past them to what the screen memories were designed to block out. (Example: after I was transported back to Georgia from black ops, I was forced to participate in occult rituals in Cobb County that were so horrific and upsetting, I was “stuck” whenever I remembered them. I couldn’t remember what happened before them until I realized they had been designed to keep me locked into remembering them, and nothing more.)

Screen memories were designed to discredit us as potential witnesses in public and in court.

Screen memories can make us distrust ourselves and our other memories. If screen memories seem crazy and unbelievable to us, we may not realize that other memories are completely valid.

Now I’ll give you specific examples of screen memories that were put in my mind by perpetrators. Again, if you need to leave the room to stretch your legs or get water or whatever, please feel free to do so.

A very simple screen memory was used on me as a child. After kiddy porn shoots in or near Reading, Pennsylvania, my father took me halfway across town to an ice cream store. I always ordered my favorite sundae, butterscotch. Because the way the experience affected all of my senses in a pleasant way, it’s only natural that I would choose to lock into that memory of eating the sweet sundae over remembering the previous experience that it mercifully blocked.

Dad especially liked using what he called acted-out scenarios to develop screen memories in victims. Acted-out scenarios were created by people who pretended to be someone or somewhere they were not. Sometimes real Hollywood actors and actresses were paid to participate. This was done to trick and confuse the minds of victims, who were often drugged or hypnotized or both. Dad favored acted-out scenarios as opposed to using movies and videos to create screen memories. I heard him argue more than once that the more senses the handlers and programmers could engage in the victim, the harder it would be for the victim to believe that the screen memory wasn’t a real event.

Here’s an example of an acted-out scenario or screen memory. When I was very young, dad created a false previous life in my mind. Over time, he convinced a part of me that I was born in Australia and had lived in a house with no windows. I believed I had loving parents and many brothers and sisters in Australia. Several years later, I was made to believe that bad people killed my parents, that my siblings disappeared or were killed, and that I sailed to America on a large wooden boat. I have since remembered that dad had adults and children act out these scenes in my presence, starting in a real house with no windows. As a child, I believed that what these people said and did was real. And because I had parents who did not love me, it was easy to believe I had really been born to parents who loved me in a far away country.

On many occasions, from early childhood through my adult years, dad and other perpetrators told several of my alter-states that I was one of many illegitimate children of John F. Kennedy. Since I believed these adults, their words had a tremendous affect on my life, especially after the president’s death. I felt obligated to serve the White House, since I believed my father the same man who emphasized serving our country. Because so many people reinforced dad’s words over the years, the idea that JFK could be my father has especially hard to let go of. I wanted to believe JFK was my father. Still, I’ve had to accept that my father was the man who raised me, regardless of who my sperm donor was.

At least once, I was taken to what I believe is “Maggie Valley,” a fake Western town in North Carolina. I’ve identified the location from footage on television. We dressed in outfits from the 1800’s, and sat in wagon trains. When I remembered the wagon train, I was very confused. I think that was the whole point of that acted out screen memory.

In Washington DC, I was allegedly taken several times to a movie theater named Janus that is allegedly owned by the CIA. A middle aged male handler sat to my right and quickly put me in a hypnotic trance. As I watched the large movie screen, he told me that the movie was real and that I was one of the characters in it. I believed him, and the movie became another screen memory. This was usually done after an covert op. The people who allegedly ran me for the CIA chose movies that had at least one item or event in them that paralleled the real op I had just been a part of. And again, if I remembered later, the movie would come up first as reality to me, blocking the memory of the op. I’ve since learned to scan the room in my memory, using my peripheral vision. Seeing the handler sitting beside me in a seat, I know I’m dealing with another screen memory.

Later in my adult years, my handlers used a newer technique. I was put in rooms that had full, wall-sized movie screens on both sides and in front of me. I was usually drugged or put in a trance, or both. My handlers made me sit in a stripped-down car that didn’t go anywhere, although I could turn the steering wheel and press the pedals. The movies on the screens would change simultaneously, which made me feel as if I were actually driving somewhere. This was probably done to confuse me about where I went during my stateside road trips.

Another screen memory device was used on a regular basis in a library. It was a large black goggle permanently attached to a machine in which I could watch a video of my choice. These videos worked especially well if my handlers pulled out child parts that couldn’t distinguish movies from reality.

On one occasion, I was put in a fake room atop hydraulic lifts. The fake “windows” inside the room were actually movie screens. The room looked just like the inside of a UFO. Powerful sound equipment was used. Between the equipment moving, the sound of blasting off, and the movies working in sequence in the fake windows, I was supposed to believe I was leaving earth and going into space. Fortunately, I’ve been able to remember seeing the outside of the fake UFO, and the hydraulic equipment that supported the bottom of it.

On another occasion, a career politician I knew for a long time took me into a large warehouse that was decorated to look like the inside of a huge UFO. He didn’t try to trick me with it; he let me look around as if he was trying to impress me with his genius. I saw tall people dressed in alien costumes; their appearance did scare me a little, but I could tell they were human.

This space travel theme was used on me again, allegedly at the Lockheed plant in Marietta, Georgia. A large gutted plane sat on the parking area outside a warehouse. I and other people inside it were made to wear costumes that remind me of Star Trek. The other adults acted out their preplanned roles, drawing me into the story. I was made to believe I was a crew member. Again this was done to a part of me that didn’t know better, so when I first remembered the experience I believed the whole thing was real.

One screen memory was used constantly to convince me that I had reported to a former employer, either Maryland Casualty Company or Safeco Insurance Company, to do part-time temp work for extra pay. These screen memories were also designed to block out memories of participating in covert ops. Sometimes, one of my former supervisors from Maryland Casualty Company participated, which made the screen memories seem more real. Each time, I would report to a commercial or government building that had an open office area. I would be shown which desk to sit at. Then, either my former supervisor or someone posing as a supervisor would lay manila files in front of me. When I returned home, all I would remember was that I just did some temp work for a former employer. And to the best of my knowledge, I was never paid for the temp work I didn’t do.

Another type of screen memory was going to garage sales. This was especially used during warm weather. A female handler would either invite me or drive me to a garage sale some distance from home. I would really go there, and sometimes bought a small item. From there, I’d be taken on another covert op. When I returned home, I would show my husband what I had bought at the garage sale.

One screen memory allegedly put into my mind by mind-control expert Michael Aquino was at Six Flags over Georgia. I reported to the large carousel atop a hill in the middle of the amusement park. The combination of mirrors, moving lights, calliope music, the carousel moving around and horses going up and down put me in a very deep trance. Michael allegedly met me there and took me from there for at least one black op. I was brought back there after the op was finished, and didn’t realize I had just missed a day or more of my life. Because my husband at the time was allegedly one of my many handlers, he helped me to believe I hadn’t missed any days at all.

A more benign screen memory was of pleasant events. My mother took hundreds upon hundreds of pictures over the years when our family got together. She’d make sure the pictures showed us smiling and having a good time. Then when I visited her, she would pull out all of the family photo albums and make me look through them, reinforcing in my mind that nothing bad happened.

Sometimes I’ve held onto screen memories because they protect me from more serious and upsetting memories. If I’m not sure whether a memory is real or not, I’ll just let it sit. If proofs come, then I know it may be legitimate. Otherwise, I just let it go. I’ve had so many memories, that I choose not to worry over every one. One more point I want to make about screen memories is that even though they may have been created to block more serious events, they are all experiences. I did see the movie, or I was in the fake UFO, or car that didn’t move, or whatever. In that way they are legitimate memories, just maybe not the ones I need to be most concerned with.

Memory scrambles aren’t the same as screen memories. Scrambles are created by handlers to confuse or disorient the victim, either at the time or when the victim remembers the experience later on. If just one detail of the experience doesn’t make sense, the handlers hope that their victim will then discount the entire memory. Or better yet, the victim will talk about the still-scrambled memory to others and will discredit his or her self. I’ll give you a couple of examples from my own life.

Because one of my handlers knew that I adored Robert Redford, he decided to hypnotize me and convince me that he was Redford. Every time I looked at the handler, both at that time and later in memory, I saw Redford’s face instead of his. But one time the trance broke and I saw the handler’s real face. Redford looks a lot better.

Another scramble was used on me a lot after stateside road trips. My handlers sat me down at a table and laid a jumbled up cross-country road map in front of me. Each time, a handler pointed to a state that was in the wrong place on the map. He or she would tell me that was where we’d been. I believed it.

Many times, I was hypnotized and made to believe I was attending a class at school, when I was not.

Another hypnotic scramble made me think that the helicopter I’d just been in was a UFO or a tornado, because of the gusty air and loud sound and the way it rose up off the ground.

I want to share one more thing, and then I’ll be done.

Several years ago, I participated in the CKLN radio series about mind-control. At that time, I was still locked into the belief systems of my former abusers. I also was still locked in to several screen memories and memory scrambles, believing them totally valid. Since then, I’ve done more memory recovery and realized I’d discredited myself by putting out false information given me by the perpetrators. When I realized this, I was very embarrassed.

Now I know that the existence of a screen memory can actually be one proof that a survivor has been mentally controlled by a criminal element of our society.

Since the interviews, I’ve grown more careful about which memories I talk about in public. I may share screen and scrambled memories with people in private; that’s a different matter. Sometimes we need other people to help us figure out what was a true event and what was put in our minds by perpetrators.

I believe the FMSF is deliberately crying wolf about “false memories” allegedly implanted by therapists and police, to divert the public’s attention away from the true perpetrators who have been implanting screen memories and scrambles for decades, in the minds of unwilling victims. I’m looking forward to the day when the public and the court systems know enough about screen memories and scrambles, and the amount of work and money and time and technology it takes to create them. Then maybe they’ll stop listening to the incessant propaganda of the FMSF and start going after the real “false memory” perpetrators.