My healing and helping others
This transcript is from a presentation by Neil Brick at The Fifth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference, August 9 – 11, 2002 at the DoubleTree Hotel in Windsor Locks, CT. Some of the topics discussed may be heavy for survivors. Survivors may want to read this with a support person or therapist. The conference is educational and not intended as therapy or treatment. All accusations are alleged. Our providing the information below does not necessarily constitute our endorsement of it.
This page has been put on the web by S.M.A.R.T., P O Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027 E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
I want to thank everyone for having the strength and courage to be at this conference. I know it was difficult for some people to get here this weekend. This proves that what we are doing is right. We are winning. This conference is proof that we are all recovering from RA and MC and getting stronger. This conference also shows that the survivors’ movement as a whole is getting stronger.
I think the most important thing for us to do this weekend is to work together, to get along together (as best as we can), so that we can leave this conference even stronger than we came here. I believe that this conference will make the fight against ritual abuse even stronger than it is. Through education and public awareness, I believe we can stop ritual abuse.
This weekend’s conference is The Fifth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference. Some of our goals are to help stop future occurrences of ritual abuse, to help survivors of ritual abuse, to name the groups that have participated in alleged illegal activities and to unite those working to stop ritual abuse. This weekend, you will get to hear a variety of speakers talk about ritual abuse, secretive organizations and mind control from different perspectives, showing the possible connections between them. I hope that you have a pleasant time at our conference. Please feel free to let us know if you have any ideas. Thanks.
Neil Brick is a survivor of alleged Masonic Ritual Abuse and MK-ULTRA. He is the editor of S.M.A.R.T. – A Ritual Abuse Newsletter. He has published many articles on ritual abuse. His topic is : “My healing and helping others.” The address for S.M.A.R.T. is P O Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027 USA, E-mail: email@example.com Please hold all questions until the end of the presentation. Please note that anything you say will be recorded. Thanks.
Please use caution while listening to this presentation. It may be very triggering as I will be describing my programming and parts. All accusations are alleged. The conference is educational and not intended as therapy or treatment.
Today I will focus on my own healing and how I have used it to help others as well as how my helping others has helped me heal. Traditionally, service paths have been used to develop spiritual awareness. In 12 steps groups, the last step may be one of helping others while reviewing the previous steps.
By trying to help others, I have been able to learn a lot about recovery. I realize that I am not alone and am similar in some ways to those that have gone through ritual abuse. Part of my motivation to help others came from motives that weren’t quite as noble. It has almost been an obsession with me at times to want to help others, losing vacation time and sleep. I realized that this was due to cult alters that were taught to give all they could without receiving anything. That the goal was more important than myself and my body. I have been trying to balance helping people with attending to my own needs.
One way I have learned a lot is by trying to make the conference safe for others. By trying to eliminate the use of hand signals in the conference, I realized that in the past I may have unintentionally used them myself while speaking. This made me aware of some of the programming inside myself that caused me to do this and the meaning of some of the hand signals I was taught to respond to. A common hand signal used on mk-ultra survivors is the “open book” hand signal or palms up. I was especially prone to hand signals, being from the Masonic part of the Illuminati. This signal was used on me and another person that I know at a conference. Perhaps it was used to find out if I was mk-ultra but also perhaps to make me more susceptible so they could find out more about me. Because I dissociated when the person used this signal on me and I looked down or away to avoid the next cue, which for me could have been any hand signal or phrase to open a particular gate or program, I learned that the person isn’t safe and I learned an important thing about my programming.
Another hand signal used on me while I was speaking at an unsafe conference, not one of smart’s, was the hand over the mouth twisted, this was done to me first on my right side and then on my left. I am unsure if they mistimed it and meant to do it both at the same time or they meant to try to shut down my remembering things first in my left hemisphere and then my right. I recovered fairly quickly and even made a comment on it. I realized it was a cue for silence programming. After mentioning it to the conference coordinator, he simply said people must have been triggered or something, instead of talking to the people about it. Later I figured out that this conference coordinator and their conference was unsafe. Other things I saw and heard later backed this up for me.
One person has used the same hand signal on me twice at two different conferences, again not smart’s. I call it the “large yawn.” They wait until I am looking at that part of the audience they are in and then they raise their hand half way up and bring it to their mouth with a big yawn. This is meant to shut down my remembering memories. It is connected to sleep programming I have, when I would get tired when journaling. This person originally asked me a lot of questions when I first met them, trying to get information from me for someone that I definitely know isn’t safe. (They also work with another survivor advocate that I am unsure of, due to their connections with a couple of different unsafe people.)
From all this, I have remembered specific rituals and programming sessions. The hemisphere signal (double hand signal) was in a laboratory setting with lights flashing on both sides. It was meant to program both sides of my brain. The hand signal was meant to turn off or close the program(s) that I had opened up and remembered. The sleep programming signal was from both lab settings and Masonic ritual abuse settings. In the lab, I would be cued to remember something and drugged to purposefully fall asleep whenever I did. In the ritual abuse settings, the training for this would be done late at night after rituals when we were very tired and they would ask us to tell them what we remembered, then they would say it is easier to fall asleep and forget it. Being so tired from the horrible rituals, we did. Of course, it isn’t easier. It is better to remember and heal.
These are examples of how I have learned a lot about myself, while speaking at conferences and trying to help others. By learning a lot about myself, I have learned how to educate other survivors.
Another thing I have learned is how to recognize some programming triggers in writing, either in newsletters or on the web. I did this to help others. But it also taught me to recognize the triggers in my own writing and some of the programs in me that would cause me to put them in my writing. An example of this is the use of the words “current” and “currently.” For me, this is from electroshock programming, either programming to scare me into silence or to destroy a particular memory. The use of the word was meant to remind me of what would happen if I talked. Since this is only programming, none of this happened when I talked and I actually got healthier sharing my feelings and memories when I spoke. So the cult was wrong.
I also had a tendency to follow heroes. This is cult programming. Following the cult leaders or head programmers in the laboratory was necessary for the success of the cult. I have discussed hero worship and its dangers at other conferences. By giving our power to others, we lose our own power and are more easily controlled by other people. I have noticed that the safest survivor advocates with the most recovery are the most human and the least power hungry. They don’t have an entourage traveling around them. They don’t feel the need to tell others how to recover and they don’t need to ask for money for themselves. They don’t act like movie stars or try to impress others. By working with survivors and seeing others follow “heroes,” I learned that I to a lesser extent I did also. This was a very deep part of my programming, to always follow orders unquestioning. I do this at work, I am always obedient. But I am learning to question things and speak up as I break my programming more and more. For me, it wasn’t a conscious fear of authority, but more a need to follow or allegiance to power. Now I know I do not need to follow others. I can be free and make decisions for myself.
People in the survivor of other movements may say they have the answer or they have information that can help everyone. I’ve learned that I need to find my own answers, my own truth. If I follow someone else (without thinking), I am being mind controlled.
The great thing is that I have also always been very rebellious. I believe that this was a part of my natural character at first. I realized this from stories I heard about myself at the age of two, I could be very stubborn. This was used by the cult to make me obsess to finish a task, ritual or mission, to make sure I succeeded no matter what. I am still this way sometimes when I need to get the newsletter out on time or get all the preparations done for the conference. I think they used this rebelliousness to train me to infiltrate counter cultural movements. I was decommissioned on some levels before I was used for this purpose, due to my instability (their trouble in controlling me) and the difficulty in programming me due to my stubbornness and the ways I would think around and out of the programming. I wasn’t worth the expense to the cult and gov’t people. They didn’t want me exposing them later as an adult, which I have done anyway. Some of the ways they used to program this stubbornness would be to have a group of them push me around in the lab and keep inciting me to come back at them, jeering me so I wouldn’t give up. I guess I was able to do this for a long time, partly through training, but also due to my inner strength. Another way they did this was to cover me with a lot of things and have me fight my way out of them or with some sort of material wrap me down so I would have to fight for a while to break through. So behind my stubbornness there is a lot of very strong anger. The anger is something I am still working on, it manifests itself when I am sitting for long periods of time, like when I am on the computer. Being restrained and watching a cursor flash while reading survivor material sometimes causes this anger to occur.
So my thinking about hero worship in terms of the survivor movement has helped me heal myself. And I have learned I can be less obsessive about winning and succeeding. With my increased mental health I can try to live a happier life and help others more, but in a more natural, less obsessive healthier way.
I was also trained to do anything for the cult at any cost to my body, almost like trying to be superhuman. This is partly due to the stubbornness training I mentioned before. I was also programmed to always finish a mission, in practice sessions and in real life. The penalty for not doing this was extreme torture and threat of death. Sometimes they would make it impossible to finish these practice sessions, though I would try anyway. One was like an obstacle course with all sorts of things to climb and jump over and go through and in and under. Some would be really hot, others really cold or slippery or wet with lots of water. We might be chased by weapons, barking dogs or sticks. We would collapse and then be berated and humiliated for not finishing. Then we were carried to a lab or cell where more things would be done to us, like being punished and tortured and/or shocked.
I have transferred this over to my daily life in my survivor and non-survivor work. At work I never take a day off when I am sick, no matter how sick I am. In my survivor work, I will put on conferences like this and work on the newsletter and website with minimal help at times. I need to ask for help with these things. So I will do this now. Anyone interested in helping with the newsletter or future conferences, please talk to me during or after the conference, and please follow this up with an E-mail.
By reading about others being self injurious and trying to help others with this, I realized I am very clumsy at times, especially when working through the emotional parts of memories. I may walk into something or stub my toe or bang my head on something so that I can get the severe anger out by cursing loudly through a co-conscious but very angry cult or protector personality. I may curse or scream and bang things. I have worked through so much anger over the last 20 plus years, but there still seems to be so much in my mind from all the tortures and humiliations done to me. The clumsiness I have sometimes may also be due to some equilibrium problems I have due to the brain damage I have from ECT and other forms of torture and mind control.
One thing that helped me was reading accounts of what happened to survivors when their parents died. Some people were very happy, knowing that a perpetrator would no longer be able to hurt others. Recently, one of my parents died. I believe this person was a major handler for me. I was unsure what my reaction to their death would be. The first night I had a few strong feelings about it, but I was more concerned about call backs and the possible destabilization of my system. I called a few people to vent and discuss what I should do, and this seemed to help. I tried to keep thinking about this during the week, but after a day or so it didn’t seem that important to me. I was very busy at work and in my life and I hadn’t had contact with my family of origin for a long time. I had always hoped that before they died there would be some sort of confession or at least some sort of conclusion to all of the things I had remembered the last twelve years, some sort of saying “yes, it did happen,” some sort of corroboration. This did not happen. I felt a little bit sad, that I hadn’t had anything close to a normal childhood, but I felt good about the fact that the deceased family member wasn’t able to hurt people anymore. (Though I would prefer that people recover and stop hurting others, instead of dying.)
One right thing I did was not have any contact with my family or going to any sort of funeral, especially since the parent that died was a 32nd degree Mason. I didn’t feel any strong need to do this, perhaps a little underneath, but because I was so busy it was fairly easy to avoid these urges. I had been in addiction withdrawal for so long that I knew how to work with my urges around this. Other things my family has done to try to manipulate me haven’t worked. This shows me that I am right about things and am better off not having them in my life.
Since I have learned that it may be unsafe for survivors to have familial cult contact, I am able to tell other survivors about this. I have also learned by watching other survivors, before and since I became a survivor advocate, that the survivors I have seen that heal the quickest are the ones that avoid any cult contact, be it family, unsafe survivor advocates or other cult members, settings or cities of origin. I can learn from others while others learn from me.
The individual meditation healing path for me has been the least intrusive of the ones I have seen. I do not believe a person has to believe in one man or person to heal. Each survivor’s path can be their own. There are many spiritual paths that can be used to leave one’s family behind if necessary , especially if one is a ritual abuse/mind control survivor.
The newsletter had always been a big help in my recovery process. It helped validate the memories of what happened to me, as well as the accompanying symptomology. My research has taught me that the “disorders” and problems I have/had came from my abuse.
The intent of much of my programming was to give me a total lack of confidence in myself. A research paper I read once described how ritual abuse can be addictive, due to the abuser’s constant need to “empower” oneself through acts of horrific abuse during rituals. The programming I went through was meant to deprecate myself, through being called names in the center or a circle, gang raped while being derided at the same time, being spit on or worse while on the floor of the center of a circle. Even in my family, we called each other deprecating names commonly with an odd sense of endearment. In lab settings, we would be made to feel powerless, strapped down and told we could do nothing because we were nothing. We were jabbed with objects, poked at, drugged, laughed at and humiliated, part of our bodies were made fun of and so on.
As a teacher I have learned that bullying is due to a lack of confidence. This fits cult leaders and government mind control people as well. The need to humiliate and hurt others in a very sick way comes from the strong feelings of the lack of power in their own lives. I had always thought I was ugly and undesirable. This was reinforced by others reactions to me, partially due to the way I projected myself. Through recovery and my research, I have realized that I must be pretty amazing to have survived all of this and also speak out and advocate for others. There sure is a power far greater than their evil. They can’t stop individuals that are strong enough to stand up to them as an adult and say no. I learned through reading about other people’s recovery that people’s physical appearances can be different and that this is all right.
I have a ritual abuse survivor list on the internet and I am a member of other lists as well. I share my research on these lists as well as try to help people on the list I moderate. I receive a lot of validation from people on these lists. Validation that I can’t hear anywhere else. Being a moderator has also taught me to develop healthy limits for people in terms of what is acceptable and isn’t acceptable on the list. I have also learned how to say “no,” with a minimum amount of guilt. I may need to remove a person from the list or not allow them into the conference if I believe they are not safe for other survivors to be around. My advocacy has help me practice these skills and transfer them into my everyday life, where I can learn how to say no. It has also taught me to have confidence in myself and the choices I make. Others may disagree with the decisions I make and try to put a lot of pressure on me to change my mind. But I can politely say, “no, I have given this a lot of thought and I can’t (,or the person can’t) do this.”
In the cult I had no choice and no control, so I developed a lot of internal rituals to make myself feel like I had control. These helped me during the rituals. I have continued some of those internal rituals in my adult life. Some of these were learned by copying family members. By working my recovery, I realized that some of these obsessive rituals or repetition of object counting rituals (also from programming to remember details and objects in a room or for other things) were no longer necessary as an adult, though since they are addictive (calming) they are difficult to let go of sometimes.
In my family, sometimes if I wanted to choose my own things, different from what they wanted, I might be made fun of or made to feel guilty. Or just told no. Through recovering and watching others heal, I realize I don’t need to make fun of others or obsess about things and hurt myself. I can be free of the old patterns now. They may have been needed to comfort me and keep me sane before, but now I can relax and be free.
By reading other people’s stories and trying to help others. I also learned how my system developed when I was young. I was split at a very early age, in early infancy through torture. My host was lost at such an early age (barely developed at all) that I think I am really kind of like a council/group of alters deciding things. A lot of the alters that developed were like underdeveloped pegs, since I was too young to program. I believe some of these developed into alters that could help my system survive and develop mechanisms to work around the cult’s programming internally, and as a recovering adult, externally. I have realized that in early recovery I used these pegs to stop myself from being cued, I would simply dissociate and avoid the cue or somehow disconnect the program I was suppose to follow, whether it was to meet someone somewhere else or to hurt myself or worse. Some also were used to communicate between different parts of my system subliminally. I have discovered these connections and have become more conscious of them.
I also realized that I was brought into the government/laboratory programming at the age of 4. I had a memory of being left in a room sitting in a chair by one of my parents. There seemed to very little other furniture in the room. There may have been a few objects around the side of the room. An older man with a lab coat came in with grey hair and was first very nice to me, telling me that I would be learning new things and I would be rewarded for doing them. I must have smiled a bit, something I still do not do very often. He grabbed me by the chest and the throat and pushed me very roughly and angrily back against the back of the chair and told me what would happen if I didn’t succeed. I would be hurt a lot worse than this and he hit me in the face. Then he switched and became very nice again. Then he told me we would be meeting a lot of other times and learning a lot of other things. When he left, my parent came back in and took me home. The older man could tell I had been badly abused by the way I reacted (dissociated) and looked down away from him. He knew I would be very useful to the government group.
Another time I was tortured and threatened by him, they found two of my main alters (which I won’t name here) could be useful to them and their missions. One was a cult alter that was taught to kill hand over hand at the age of three, I have written about this before. This alter was very stubborn and didn’t give up, it had been tortured, taunted and pushed until it was very angry. Then the hand over hand cult (Masonic/Illuminati) killing training started. This one had a very deep Satanic like voice that was really mean and sounded evil. This was developed by the Masonic/Illuminati group and later used for killing and fighting by the government group.
The other personality was one that had little or no feeling, one that just did what it had to do and was able to shut out most or all of my feelings. This one developed after the original traumas at home in an early age, one that could clean up or make myself feel better after the abuse. In cult rituals, this one just did what needed to be done, watch for those outside the room or the place, bring the needed ritual items, or rape or kill without feeling when feeling wasn’t wanted or needed, just to finish things up without a lot of theater. This one was used by the government to learn how to perform missions, like spying, getting to the place to kill or knock someone out so something could be done to them or their place and then returning to the plane or helicopter or car or van. Or to memorize a map and follow it. Or to learn enough phrases in that countries’ language to either fit into where I was or to find out how to get back to the helicopter or plane or out of the country somehow. It was all just what had to be done, or so I thought, just business. Today I realize I am like this sometimes when I am working. Instead of making sure I get enough sleep or am healthy, I just keep going ahead, because this is what needs to be done. This also has to due with the obstacle course training I mentioned before. This is how I transfer my programming into my daily life’s coping skills.
I have also realized recently that I am mentally living two lives, like I did as child. I have the horrors underneath, while I present a “normal” psyche to the world at work and in society. I have known this since early recovery, but now I realize this more clearly. Certain pieces underneath are coming together and bridging the gaps on an emotional and mental level. I need to continue integrating these levels and feelings to heal.
So my recovery has been affected positively by my advocacy work and I assume that my advocacy work has also helped others. My research has helped me realize that what I feel and think are normal for what has occurred to me. My symptomology, polyfragmented DID with a variety of other disorders, are directly connected to my abuse. I have learned that the FMS and PAS disinfo in the media is simply bad research and mind control techniques that have been used to allow perpetrators to continue perpetrating their horrors on others. Our infiltrated media has created the most mind controlled people in the world. Chomsky, Zinn and certain web pages are good sources on finding out the truth about what was and is going on in the U.S. and in the world.
As I write this, I feel my face getting itchy, my nose, this is a start up cue, to open a set of facial or hand cues. I just learned something else while doing advocacy work. Then I later followed it with a think signal, leaning my hand against the side of my head. This is meant to make me think what will happen if I tell or keep typing or writing or remembering about this. I may have a fear of my mind becoming temporarily destablized while remembering, but remembering will help me heal. I may have a fear of being caught or hurt when I remember, but this is only programming. I am big now, so I know they do not have any power over me. Every time I speak and remember I get stronger and help others, so I will continue to.
I can use my programming and personality against the perps to stop them, just like they wanted me to stop and hurt others, but this I will no longer do. I can use the techniques they taught me to hurt others to love and help others in a non-obsessive natural way. I can find my own path, not theirs, not the TVs and not corporate America’s. What was done to hurt me I can now use in a different way to help others.
I have seen others heal, helped others heal and have healed myself. I have a long way to go, every year I realize that I need to do so much more than the year before, that there is so much more that I do not know and do not remember. But I will keep healing. My life path will change to adapt to my new ideas. I can leave behind old things that no longer work, old obsessions that I do not need. I am finding a healthier way to live. I have made tremendous progress and will continue to do so. I hope we can all continue to learn and grow. Thanks.